Friday, December 05, 2008

"Please do not touch. No Toques, OK"

"Park Slope 99¢ Stores Caught Selling Plastinated Elfin Corpses Dressed in Holiday Cheer. Executed Prisoners Taken From Frozen Polar Work Camps."

Roll out the festively colored green and red carpet runners, woven from strands of recalled Chinese baby formula. The 99¢ stores along 5th Avenue have fronted their cheerful holiday merchandise!
This is my visual favorite of all the other discount stores on the strip. Not that I can actually shop here. The management has posted an equally unwelcoming sign on the front door with a mile long list describing all the other human behaviors forbidden while shopping in their establishment. Don't plan on getting past security (the wobbly red faced guy sitting on the aluminum ladder) if you are carrying an umbrella, pushing a stroller, walking a dog or lugging a large handbag. Leave your wooden leg at home folks, I know, they check.

Please don't violate his personal space.
Santa went up on display a couple of days ago. Seems like no matter how hard they try, my South Slope neighbors can't keep their soiled mittens off jolly old St. Nick. (Insert off color snow blower joke here.)
I have always considered Santa's lap to be a sacred space. Certainly that rude unchristian-like sign is not directed at my inner child.

Surely someone of Santa's stature deserves a red velvet rope.

Demographics still require the additional warning sign in Spanglish, but I'm guessing the rubber traffic cone and the day-glo orange flag are there to warn off the many international tourists visiting south Brooklyn these days. (I have noticed that the operating instructions for the self-serve Slushie machine at the 7-Eleven just down the Avenue are now written in five different Romance languages.)

I was told that if the swarming holiday crowds begin "bustling", the store's security may have to resort to hiring body guards and lighting traffic flairs.

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