Saturday, June 30, 2007

Live and let diorama.

- Detail from the Museum of Natural History.

I love a good diorama. Still life is in the details. A plastic fly placed strategically on an open eye lid, sipping the acrylic tears from some fallen hero. Nature Morte fills me with a sense of wonder rarely experienced in real life. Miniatured. Frozen in time.

"Come on, who doesn't like flocking? Pink asbestos laden artificial Christmas trees? All I need is my trusty reversible Shop-vac, a 1 gallon bucket of spray-on-type Vietnamese tennis shoe adhesive and a large plastic bag filled with pink asbestos flakes and it's Look out Christians".


It's been tough finding a school for our three year old son this Fall. I probably waited too long before starting the process and now everything is full up. Well, at least he's learned an important lesson on procrastination. Thankfully we just received our acceptance letter from Kanal Kidz Fine Finishes Day Academy, an auto body repair/child care facility. It's literally where "Montessori meets Monster Garage". Located in the fashionably up and coming G Slope, it's just below Second Avenue and steps from where the Gowanus Canal water eventually becomes part of the Atlantic Ocean.

The "ladies" at Kanal Kidz seem genuinely concerned about what's bestest for my three year old. We had originally applied to the Carrol Berkley School's pre-k program, $20,000!!!, but Miss Carrol just informed us that they intend to phase out their student smoking areas by 2010, so who knows what other student clubs and activities they intend to cut from their next budget at my child's expense.

That why we like Kanal Kidz. They didn't just charge us a $100 application fee like the other 17 schools, knowing full well they didn't have any more open spaces left. A popular scam amongst these institutions!

Yes, they do provide respirators for kids under two as required by law. Yes snack time is provided for in a well ventilated area.
Yes, they do have an outdoor play space. What little boy doesn't need His time to blow off a little steam? Brown Field trips, or as the polite ladies at Kanal Kidz like to refer to them as, "Fields of Color Trips", are just a gypsy cab ride away.
Yes, the $25 initiation/hazing fee includes all materials and supplies.
No, they don't have a pool. But yes, they do have a pool table and a swim team. Go figure.

With all the time I have been wasting interviewing various Park Slope preschool principles, there has been little free time left to work on my scale model Warcraft props, and thus my role playing has unfortunately suffered. As the Beaver would say "on account'ah".

I have been practically eaten out of house and hive by the dozen or so members of the IMBYBLOGSPOT.COM editorial/ role playing staff (Those bastards still live in my illegally converted cellar, rent free!) and the financial strain has starting to seriously cut into my mental fantasy life.

My Masterpiece, The Ruinous Entrance to the Underhive!

Two years worth of work! This particular table top apocalyptic urban landscape has been specifically designed, built, and painted all by myself for low-key skirmish battles. Basically toxic hand to hand combat stuff. The limited lines of sight allow for great sneak attack scenarios.. if you know what I mean.
IMBY on wood - "I use balsa wood, and... Masonite, for Gods sake!
IMBY on sand - "I use model railroad ballast."

IMBY on styrofoam- "Of course I don't ever recommend use of the white beady stuff you often find as packaging material, it just doesn't hold up. I suppose you could also use something else, as long as it can be shaped, painted and flocked."

I caught my nanny huffing Volatile Organic Compounds again. Three strikes and you're out, I always say. I don't need to shrink wrap my head in some dry cleaner bag filled with 3M Brand Spray Mount to escape reality. I have my dioramas. And this lovely Blog.

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