Monday, December 17, 2007

99 ¢hristmas

Thorstein Veblen's
South Park Slope 99¢ Holiday Shopping Guide.

This year we're having, what Father Guido Sarducci would call, "a little Christmas".
No explanations. No apologies.
No lavish overnight shipping charges.
No giving of over the top presents, expensive feasts or exotic entertainments this time around.
My idea of conspicuous consumption this season=The purchasing of utilitarian merchandise that has been openly displayed for sale from wire racks or plastic bins out front of the 99¢ stores... actually out on the sidewalk, under a plastic awning. No time to wander the isles? What better place to get it done than our own little swatch of 5th Avenue between 12th and 16th Streets.

Life driven by utility, Last minute stocking stuffers.

Spoiler alert! Family and close friends should read no further.

For all my redundant friends, Tube Socks make great stocking stuffers, again.

South African "Kolgate" Brand Toothpaste containing diethylene glycol instead of dangerous fluoride.

"Knit Winter Glove(s)" Some with only four fingers, some six, yet all pairs guaranteed to total at least ten.

Seven pack of assorted hand saws.

150 FL. OZ (4.68 QT.) 50 LOADS Happy Endings Brand Laundry Detergent

Our 2 year old daughter Hyalophagia, has inherited my spouse's freakish ability to consume hand blown glass ornaments without any visible side effects. She just polished off the remaining Radkos. They've all been plucked from the branches and eaten like clementines so now we need replacement decorations for our tree. We're headed down to 5th Avenue today to see what they have in store. Ten dollar spending limit has been imposed. I'm thinking paper mache.

Santa, the 13th Disciple.
On the other hand, Midwestern Seasonal Crafts Binging has left my side of the family with a collection of hand made ornaments so vast they can no longer fit on the tree at the same time. There is a rotation that I am not privileged to. Some never come out of cryogenic storage, ever.

My mother had a very serious felt addiction beginning in the sixties that went unchecked for years. We took away her Craft Barn Club Card and sent her to rehab. She returned a month later a fundamentalist macrame convert.
For a while I joined her arts and crafts crusade until Carpel Tunnel Syndrome eventually knocked me out at age 12. And then the blackouts started up, waking up in some downtown hobby shop with an empty bottle of Sobo glue in my hand and glitter wedged up under my finger nails. Every day's been a battle. I still have the urge to sneak a peek at Ladies Home Journal from time to time. Having children may have awakened the sleeping monster. I keep a loaded glue gun under my mattress for when the voices return.

I'll take the $7.99 tree. No, the flocked blue spruce on the right. Thank you.

Oh little star...
Shopping carts hung by the $14.99 blankets with care.

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