Monday, September 11, 2006

Five people, living or dead, that you would invite to a dinner party?

So, I am on the way home from picking up my dinner at Hot Diggity Dog on Prospect Park West when I pass by, what at first glance seems to be some sort of brand new women's day spa.

I am now standing in front of its frameless glass door and huge plate glass window with what appears to be the seductively elongated image of the F-Hole from a double bass violin etched onto its surface. Curious, I see that there are a pair of clear acrylic arm chairs placed inevitably near the front and what looks like an entire high-end residential kitchen installed at the rear of the space.

"Can you squeeze me in for a quick mani-pedi combo'' I ask the young man sitting at the reception desk. "I'm sorry sir," he says. "This is the new sales office for The Simone Condominiums."

"Well then, in that case my kind sir, can I see an offering plan while I finish eating my super slaw chili dog?" I ask, wiping catsup off the end of my nose with my shirt sleeve.

He politely invites me to have a seat in one of the Philippe Starck designed Louis Ghost armchairs while he goes to the back file cabinet. Suddenly, while sitting in that see-through chair, a wave of paranoia sweeps over me. Is there some kind of secret recta-cam strategically positioned in the floor directly beneath my transparent armchair? Will he be able to tell there is absolutely no way in hell for me to pull the $875,ooo asking price out of my ass? I quickly pull my pants up and stumble out the door and into the street before he can return with my prognosis.

Best I go home and check out the web site.

Immediately something rings a bell: 35 McDonald Avenue! Leave it to my arch nemesis!
Bricolage Designs and Corcoran have figured out a way to steal the terrace right out from under Windsor. It's not so much what's in the Corcoran web site slide show, as what's been left out that interests me. Specifically, any reference to the fact that the building site is practically at Death's Door, being located directly across the street from Green-Wood Cemetery.

The fact that the developers have racked up 67 complaints and a big fat Department of Buildings Stop Work Order does not seems out of the ordinary. Isn't it common knowledge that if Bricolage Designs is somehow involved, shit happens. That's just par for the course. What interests me is that Corcoran's own neighborhood map includes the cemetery, but does not bother to label it as such. Why are they trying to 'Simonize' over their proximity to Green-Wood?

Sometimes Art truly imitates Life. I offer you this:
"The world (as humankind has known it) is merely a memory. In its place is the never-ending nightmare existence of us--the living--versus them--the "walkers". What's left of mankind is cordoned off behind the walls of a fortified city while the walking dead roam the vast wasteland beyond. The few wealthy and powerful try to maintain an illusion of life as it was, dwelling high above the city in the exclusive towers of Fiddler's Green, the last bastion of the ruling class. On the streets below, however, the remaining, less fortunate of the city's inhabitants eke out a hard-scrabbled life, seeking what little solace they can in vices available--gambling, flesh trade, drugs--anything that offers even a fleeting respite from the hell their lives have become. Both the lofty heights of Fiddler's Green and the demoralizing lows of the city below are lorded over by a handful of ruthless opportunists, led by Kaufman, who keeps his hands in everything, from real estate to less above-board pursuits."
I bet you're thinking that this describes living in Windsor Terrace to the tee. Is this the opening paragraph from the condominium's prospectus? I am afraid not. This is actually a description of George Romeros's 2005 film "Land of the Dead". Replace "Fiddler's Green" with "The Simone" and you begin to understand why this is more than a coincidence.

Look closely at the artists renderings.

See all your new friends and neighbors enjoying the view from high atop The Simone's abundant glass walled terraces.

You may be drawn first to the hot stylish hipster chick in the lobby. Pay her no mind.

Now, look at all those families enjoying their outdoor living spaces.

Mothers pushing strollers... Lovers, dressed in white, embracing amongst the fall foliage of the roof tops garden.

But wait, something is not quite right--Who is that man in black standing off to the side of that young couple? Zoom in...more...keep zooming....a little more...wait too much, zoom back out a little...There! It's Kaufman!

That explains all that damage to all those adjoining properties! Now pan back down to the ground floor lobby.

FUCK ME!!! ZOMBIES! No wonder Corcoran's Marketing Strategy fails to mention that on any chilly fall evening, there is always the potential for 560,000 uninvited dinner guests 'living" right across the street, who might drop in, unannounced, at any time. I hate that. Call first, it's only correct.

Just imagine, you and your mistress are sitting down for a romantic late night snack, when your front door flies off its hinges. Standing at the threshold are Henry Ward Beecher, Jean Michel Basquait, Leonard Bernstein, Charles Ebbets, and Frank Morgan (you know, the wizard from The Wizard of Oz). Heated discussions ensue. Basquait has drank all your wine, and is boring Ebbets with hypothetical baseball "what if" questions. H. W. Beecher is all over your girlfriend and suddenly she's been ripped to shreds. "Please pass the spine", Bernstein politely requests. There's nothing like witnessing your guests being eviscerated and devoured. All the more so, when viewed while hiding below a glass-topped dining table.

Several of the units listed are in contract. I wonder if they even bothered to read the disclaimers. Sometimes it's better not knowing when you buy. Especially new condos in Brooklyn.

Hot Diggity Dog is located at 263 Prospect Park West and has free delivery. Call (718) 499-0008 Try the "WINDSOR WEENIES" with a side of fries and extra bacon. Price $ Service $$$ Food $$$$ "The Real Heartburn of Windsor Terrace".

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